I have always had a rich fantasy life. Even as a kid, before they were sexual, I had fantasies. In the beginning, it was always about being kidnapped and saved by my celebrity crush of the time – Lee Majors was the first. Then later, Charlie Sheen, Rob Lowe, Judd Nelson. The fantasies weren’t even completely sexual in nature at first, though that was just under the surface. And once I discovered masturbation in my early teens, those fantasies got built into fun little get-me-off stories. I never thought about them coming true – although I was convinced when I was 14 that Charlie Sheen would cruise up in a limo and steal me away for a happily ever after. I’m proud to report my taste in men has changed, but my fantasies definitely got more complex.

In my early 20s I started being corrupted by my group of friends at the time (I was the youngest, the most naïve, and ever so fun to shock). I was shown my first porn (something about Alice in Wonderland). Then, my friends from work had a bachelorette party and I experienced my first male stripper (and yes, I am blushing right now as I write this and can feel the blush climb all the way up into my scalp).

So when I met my husband (let’s just make it easy on me and refer to him by his Twitter nickname, X), I had a pile of fantasies. We talked a lot, and while it took time and trust, I eventually learned all about his love of lactating women. And he learned all about my fantasies, even the really dirty ones.

And then, we had a little dry spell with sex a couple years ago. It was a crazy busy time with teenagers and a booming business. Both were causing enough stress that my husband and I were just kind of hanging on for dear life. We’d fall into bed stressed and exhausted, rehashing the day, fretting over kid stuff, and talking work until we crashed.

And then one day, just around the time Covid started being a rumor, I realized X and I were flirting more and laughing more and spending a little more time relaxing rather than rehashing the day.

And as we started being more sexual again, we started talking about fantasies again. And when I start talking fantasies, one always rises to the top for me: imagining him with another woman. To be honest, if I’m sleepy and can’t get to sleep and need to cum quickly, that’s where my mind goes. I’ve always been open with him about this kink of mine, but suddenly, with the last of our kids approaching adulthood and empty nesting in our near-ish future, the tone of these conversations turned from ‘gee, wouldn’t it be fun to do this’ to ‘oh my god, we might actually be able to make this happen.’

So how do you know when a fantasy should stay a fantasy and when it’s safe to see what you can’t do about making it come true?

Well, for us, there’d already been some testing of the waters. (My free story, available on this site, The Ex, is largely based in reality but goes where we couldn’t go then).

But it is a wrestle, right? Where is that line?

For me, it’s a matter of pragmatics. Do I want to go to a glory hole and spend a day sucking off as many guys as possible? I absolutely get off thinking about that and fantasizing to it. Am I really going to put myself in the position of risking my health and dealing with whatever potentially dirty or diseased penis shows up? Yeah, probably not. I’m ok with that staying a fantasy.

But would I experience something close to what happened in The Party, where Elle’s adventures have her serving a large group of carefully vetted men in a controlled environment? Fuck yes. In a heartbeat. In fact, all I’m waiting for is the pandemic to be over and for someone to be able to host! X is on board, too.

So how do you know where the line is? Well sometimes, you have to get right up next to it and rub yourself all over it in order to know. In The Party, there’s a scene where Elle gets punished. I wrote that scene and had to stop and masturbate. It was hot. But I’d never actually experienced it. So prior to publishing the book, I made X deliver that same punishment to me in real life.

Yeah, it was that good.

Have we repeated it since? Oh most definitely.

So how do I know I really want X to have a girlfriend who also gets to pretty much make me do anything she wants me to? A girl who might possibly take my place in our bed on a frequent occasion, who might get to enjoy these punishments I experience? Who might get to use, humiliate, and otherwise delve into my fantasies?

I’ve ridden right up next to that experience and have only gotten more turned on. Sure, we could try it and have it not go well – but that’s where communication comes in. X and I talk ALL the time. We are both 100% committed to each other.

But as it is with any fantasy, we sure feel like this is going to feel good. So we’re willing to test the waters, so to speak, and if something isn’t right, we’ll back off.

I’m pretty sure I will love bringing my blowbang fantasy to life, too. And there are several other fantasies that have moved into the “if not for the pandemic this would have already happened” space.

Sometimes, fantasies need to stay fantasies because they’re either illegal in some states, way more uncomfortable in real life than in your head, or would hurt the heart of someone you love if it wasn’t just in your imagination.

But when you’re a bunch of consenting adults, making fantasies come true sounds like a lot of fun to me.

Maybe you’ll come along with me on the next one.